Religious Right Rethinking Position That Distance From God the Issue With America’s Direction, Consider Giving God Space and Playing Hard to Get to Court Favor of Almighty

“I was sure that my son being a homosexual was the reason that 9/11 occured. I mean, if we’re being real here, that’s why I abandoned my own child to a life on the street. Clearly the signs were there that his sin was displeasing to God,” said Youth Pastor Charlie Monty in an interview recently at a Trump rally. “The USA had fallen from God, so America was being punished. That much is crystal clear to me.”

However, Charlie Monty and others are rethinking the strategy that trying to bring their country and their personal affairs directly in line with the perceived revelationary whispers of an inscrutible God, especially since it seems to have a low track record. “I did everything God could have wanted. I donated to all the charities that electrocute children to keep them straight and healthy. I attacked the enemies of the American way of life in the name of Jesus’s complex and often contradictory statements. I would have done anything. Murdered my son at the behest of a mysterious voice from a mountain. Simply, nothing was working.”

Cheslea Morgan, a similarly devout follower standing next to Pastor Charlie as he testified, chimed in. “I feel the same way. I have tried my best to be a good Christian. I am thinking perhaps that we need to try something new. Something really radical. Perhaps we should try to abandon God. And then when he gets jealous of us having fun sinning and indulging in those unspeakable things that we have tried to keep at bay, he will get.. jealous? And come back our way.”

“Like my ex-wife and my sexy Dad bod facebook posts,” said Charlie Monty, clearly finding agreement. “I get it. I totally get it.”

“You should call your son, and tell him you love him. I bet that would make God just insane. Really taunt him too. Post pics of you hugging him and accepting him for who he is.”

“I think you are right, I am going to do that, calling him right now.” As the repentant youth pastor dialed his estranged son on his cell phone, Chelea leveled with the interviewer. “Definitely, let’s run from God. If God chases us, then clearly God cares and may come back and deliver the wrath upon the Godless and evil.” She then fidgeted a bit and appeared to push her shirt line a bit lower. “God will come around.”

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