Looking For Evil? Thinking You Can Trace It? EVIL DON’T LOOK LIKE ANYTHING.

A movie I haven’t managed to see the ending of has a funny line, something like ‘The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he doesn’t exist.”

How much of my day I spend trying to convince myself I exist, I think.

I’ve been thinking of spending less time alone. Spending more times at the record store, in the stacks, between the button-pop plastic clasps of some open-hearted DVD. It’s lonely out here in the big nowhere of the frontier and your malleable thoughts. It’s this limp I’ve got to deal with though, where I think somehow someone might care and take notice.

I wanted to be a rock star. I wanted to be famous. I wanted to write the great American novel. I wanted to perform a re-evaluation of all values and philosophize with a hammer. Now I wonder what dreams this country has left in it. It’s not a lament, (or is it?), but a foot that drags towards some twisted part of me, thinking that I could use some time in that search. To draw the shawl around me, to twiddle the prayer beads in my knotty tired fingers, and contemplate the fate of my own heroism.

These old songs and any island of artistic spirit that brings that breeze of fresh abasement; I guess you could say it’s my best friend.

I’m just trying to put together the pieces of what’s here, what they surround you with on the daily– pieces of crime reports and bulletins of terror and despair, that you scrape up desperately to cobble into some excuses, something that might get you off the hook. Something you might put on like a habit, to set you free from that desire to expose some reflection of yourself, to out-do the accusation. That you are this horrific, of the world, not just in it.

Do not bring your evil here.

I think it was Aquinas, who was able with his perfect nimble hands, to contemplate on his lucky overturnings of these thoughts, like my deep-grooved fingerprints on the beads, to make it seem that evil was simply a lack. That it is real… but like emptiness is real. That it’s not a power, but a depravity. A disease. Can there be a better surgeon than the one who talks you out of your disease? How admirable. How unconscionable, to reach that convincing power to make others find belief.

It terrifies me.

I’m surrounded. Each doorway covered. It was a stormy night when I first came to the flash of realization I am the monster at the end of this book. I could have bled to death on the spot, with my eyes so wide in holy creed.

Whatever you do, step forward, and do it with conviction. Deliver the lines like a champion. How can it make sense that we, collectively, are this. Human. And not spill your guts like cloudburst.

My dream? It’s not to be the Devil.

It’s to convince the world. It hardly matters of what. Of anything.

It’s so easy. It so easy, I wanted to do it again.

I’m surrounded, each doorway covered
By at least twenty men
And they’re going to take me, throw me in prison
I ain’t coming back again
I ain’t coming back again

When I was younger, handsomer and stronger
I felt like I could do anything
But all of these people making all these faces
Didn’t seem like my kith and kin
Didn’t seem like my kith and kin

Colin Kincaid from the twelfth grade
I guess you could say he was my best friend
Lived in a big tall house out on Westfall
Where we would hide when the rain rolled in
Where we would hide when the rain rolled in

We went out one night and took a flashlight
Out with these two girls Colin knew from Kenwood Christian
One was named Laurie, that’s what the story
Said next week in the Guardian
Said next week in the Guardian

And when I killed her it was so easy
That I wanted to kill her again
I got down on both of my knees and
She ain’t coming back again
She ain’t coming back again

Now, with all these cameras focused on my face
You’d think they could see it through my skin
They’re looking for evil, thinking they can trace it, but
Evil don’t look like anything
Evil don’t look like anything

Evil don’t look like anything
Evil don’t look like anything
Evil don’t look like anything
Evil don’t look like anything

Evil don’t look like anything
Evil don’t look like anything

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