Disgruntled Former Employee of American Electorate Donald Trump Takes CPAC Hostage to Air Grievances, Threaten Members

It was a quiet day for Conservative America Just trying to Live Their Lives in Peace in the Land of the Free, Home of the Brave.. A little TOO quiet…

A disgruntled employee of the American people, now seeking vengeance through violence due to personal grievances over how he was let go, stalked the Republican CPAC (Conservative Political Action Conference) yesterday, looking for some kind of mad recompense. Authorities have identified the man as one Donald Trump, a former U.S. President with the corporation of the United States of America, appointed by the American people, who many thought even at the time was a risky and even insane hire. With a bomb vest strapped to his chest, screaming about those who he felt had made his time as a somber and dutiful servant of the American people and the aims of constitutional democracy difficult, he lambasted a blacklist of enemies. Dividing those who had shown up to the office that day into those who would possibly escape his wrath and those who were surely doomed, he stalked the halls with a bomb vest armed and ready to blow as he screamed bloody murder and insane conspiracies about why he never made it and why his life was so terrible. His rantings were a mixture of regret over his career and its failures and deep-seated psychological issues, tinged with racist invective and outdated social biases. He was so involved with his ineffective pontifications, in fact, that some present managed to sneak away while he delivered them with no complications.

Those concerned directly with dealing with the situation said that any direct approach towards diffusing the situation was difficult, due to the fact the man had no specific agenda or demands, other than needing attention and being lonely. Indeed, as well, the policy pushed by CPAC discouraged a mental health professional alternative to direct armed police response in such situations, setting up an obviously abrasive bind. When someone merely looked at Trump, he barked hints — maybe he would expand covering for murders of journalists not just overseas but domestically! — whilst rubbing his prunish thumb over the big red button attached to his bomb vest. Licking his earthworm lips laciviously, members of the crowd seemed to be aroused.

At the time of this reporting, the majority of the GOP and even the base at home watching are still being held hostage by this madman. Many are watching simply because he is entertaining, some citing the fact that if the bus drops below 50 the bomb will explode and it is ‘interactive TV, Jack! The wave of the future’ and too good to turn away from.

Joe Biden is trying his best to drive the bus at an even keel, while officer Bernie Sanders attempts to board and disarm the situation with some kind of offensive measures directed at helping the people involved.

Officer Bernie Sanders leaps into action.

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