Antifa, the black clad white-blood-cells of a democracy in the grips of the potentially terminal disease and decay of the last days of capitalist exploitation, issued a statement today regarding the Jan. 6th insurrection. They praised Biden for being the milque-toast middle of the road tighty-whitey stain that is needed at this time to go easy on literal insurrectionists attempting to overthrow American democracy. “This is essential for the next few years, when American elections, fully corrupted by GOP voter suppression laws are actually compromised and need to be challenged by practical force. Biden is doing us all a favor by leaving the door open for democracy’s fringe actors to get the job done and promote a more just world through direct action. You can donate to our lawyer network and bail funds through the links provided. The only way out of this spiral is bravery and personal responsibility. The government is not in the business of giving the people the reigns.” During the briefing, the anonymous antifa spokesperson was handed a news bulletin that Biden had reached a compromise on infrastructure, trillions below what he had initially sought, a deal that would not raise taxes on the rich. “Pathetic,” was all the Antifa member had to say. They then skipped offstage and got into a limo presently on fire and drove into a cloud of maverick renegade badassery.