Mitch McConnell Looking at Suez Canal Ship As Potential Successor

The ship that had been blocking the Suez canal for much of the past week has been freed, but its career as a tiresome obstacle may not be at an end. “Clearly the Ever Given, which successfully halted much needed traffic and gained much attention while doing so, has what we are looking for in a Republican Senate leader. We need that high level obstructionism, the diversion power, the sheer obstactle-to-progress-iconography that this ship represents.”

Mitch McConnell is potentially retiring soon, and the over seer of the ‘grave yard’ Senate where practical legislation in America goes to die needs a new star to fill the gap – and no one fills gaps like this ship. “It is as effective and energetic as the bowel obstruction that is currently causing my immanent death,” said one GOP strategist. “America needs that type of feeling front and center if we want to make this country great again.”

“Until some point in the future when we are steering again and we can try to force the country to go backwards, the best we can do is make sure it simply goes nowhere at all.” At the time of this reporting the Suez Canal Ship was espousing its opinion on potential infrastructure overhaul for America, declaring “have you considered just letting roads crumble completely? For a change of pace, I mean.” The GOP applauded this type of bold thinking as what is needed to combat Joe Biden’s sensible strategy to make this country a minimally livable place for all Americans.

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